Suspicion
by Cu Chulainn 1945
Summary: Whether they're on or off Destiny, people are starting to suspect a little ... something ... between Young and Rush. Third chapter rated M for gross implications, harsh language, and the disturbingly graffic hand-puppetry of TJ.
1. Chapter 1

It was Daniel Jackson who noticed it first, on one of his very rare trips to Destiny. Sometime between a lecture to the hoi-polloi concerning Ancient and a meeting with Colonel Young concerning what was and wasn't PC, he drew a conclusion.

"They're gay," he said, as soon as he was back in his own body. Blinking, the man who'd come to relieve him – Private Menkins – tried to get a question out. "Colonel Young," Jackson explained. "And Doctor Rush. They're gay."

Private Menkins blinked again.

"Dr. Rush …," he said. "You mean the Scottish guy?"

Jackson nodded, wondering how many times Menkins had been onboard Destiny.

"Oh," said Menkins with a nod. "I knew that."

Jackson suspected that everyone except Destiny's crew knew that.

* * *

"Rush, how much time's on the clock?" Young barked.

"Twenty-six hours," Rush replied. The science team confirmed it with quiet nods, and Eli cut in with his own appraisal.

"The planet looks habitable," he said with a significant look to Colonel Young. "Like, _really_ habitable. _Miami_ habitable. But without the druggies."

Young raised his eyebrows. He turned and faced the open wormhole.

"Let's get a team together, then," he ordered.

Military personnel dispersed.

* * *

By the end of the day, there were five huts set up – the maximum amount Inman would allow, considering how much of this planet's trees she wanted to bring back. There were, however, ten people on the planet.

And no one wanted to go back.

"Everyone, bunk with somebody you're comfortable with," Young advised as the day wore on and the alien sun started to set. "I don't wanna be woken up because you're arguing at three in the morning."

With a quiet undercurrent of mumbling, the away team paired up and disappeared into their huts. Feeling satisfied – and looking forward to a night's sleep on an actual warm planet – Young bent down to extinguish the campfire.

That was when he caught sight of someone still sitting on the assembled logs, elbows resting on his knees.

Damn it.

Rush.

"Guess it's you and me, then, Colonel," Rush said airily, not moving out of the shadows. Young suppressed an irritated sigh.

_The only thing_, he thought, _that makes this better is that Rush is irritated, too_.

"Let's go then," he said wearily, throwing dirt over the fire.

Together, they set off for the last remaining bunk.

* * *

"Move over," Rush hissed, kicking out and catching Young's bad leg. "You're on my side."

"Ouch! Damn it, Rush, there _are _no sides! It's a little mattress!"

"Stop touching me."

"You stop touching _me_!"

"I'm not touching you, I'm _kicking_ you. Get away!"

"I can't _help_ touching you, dammit, I'm a cuddler! At least it's not painful. Like _you_."

"I think it's plenty painful, Colonel."

"That's ridiculous. _You're_ ridiculous. Go to sleep."

"I'm not tired."

"Rush! Go to sleep or I _will _knock you out!"

"Ha! I'd like to see you try."

_BAM!_

_CRASH!_

_THUD!_

"Ouch! Stop it!"

_BANG!_

"What's _wrong_ with you? That effing hurts!"

"Oh, I'm sorry, did you want me to be _gentle_?"

"It would be appreciated!"

_WHAM!_

"AGH! DAMN IT!"

"Oh, shit shit shit I'm sorry–"

"_My balls_!"

"Shh, shh, be quiet!"

"BE QUIET? _YOU MANGLED MY BALLS_!"

"I didn't mean to! Shut up, someone'll hear you."

"Aaaagh."

"Stop moaning!"

* * *

" … Brody?"

"Yes, Eli?"

"Do you … um, _hear_ that?"

"Those suspicious moaning and thudding sounds coming from Rush and the Colonel's tent?"

"… Yeah."

"Yes, Eli. Yes, I do."

" … Brody?"

"What, Eli?"

"Does this mean they're …?"

"_What_? They're _what_? Eli, I'm trying to sleep."

"Does this mean they're gay?"

"…"

"…"

"I don't wanna answer that, Eli. Go to sleep."

"OK."

* * *

"I'm taking bets," said Jackson to O'Neill.

"On what?" O'Neill asked.

"On when Colonel Young and Dr. Rush come out."

O'Neill stared at him.

"Come out?" he repeated. "You mean, out of Destiny?"

"No, sir," Jackson said kindly. "Out of the closet."

There was a long pause.

"Has anyone put money on next year yet?" O'Neill asked.

"No, sir."

"I'm in."

* * *

It was only after they'd been off the planet and back on Destiny for two more days that Colonel Young and Dr. Rush began to notice things.

Weird things.

Downright _crazy_ things.

First, it started with Eli and his idea of movie nights. Only they weren't _regular_ movie nights. They were movie nights of things like _Pride and Prejudice_, or _Sleepless in Seattle_. Movie nights with movies taken from the laptops of lonely women.

Movie nights that somehow ended up with Rush and Young alone.

"This is weird," said Rush frankly the third time it happened.

"What is?" said Young, who may or may not have been deliberately missing some important signs.

"This!" said Rush, gesturing to the room as a whole and sending a particularly dirty look to Molly Ringwald's face. "The romantic movie nights that everyone else insists we attend just so they can leave us alone together. The music that plays whenever both of us are in the mess hall."

"_Dirty Dancing_," Young interjected. "It's the _Dirty Dancing_ soundtrack."

Rush glared at him.

"Sorry," Young said. "Go on."

"Furthermore," Rush snapped, "there's the fact that everyone seems to be conspiring to make us _sit _together whenever possible."

"What, you think they're … they're trying to set us up, or something?" Young said, giving an incredulous little laugh. Rush stared at him for a moment with a mix of sadness and pity.

"Tamara ordered you to sleep with me because I'm '_too skinny and might get cold_,'" he said, allowing the harsh reality to sink into Colonel Young's brain. "And even if we managed to escape that, we can't really overlook the bowl of home-made condoms Varro sent us."

"Oh, yeah," said Colonel Young. "The leather ones."

Leaning forward, Rush hid his face in his hands and tried to drown out the ending credits to _Pretty in Pink_.

"So everyone thinks we're gay," Young summed up, apparently so shocked by the idea he couldn't work up a proper reaction. "That's … inconvenient."

"I just don't understand it!" Rush said, voice muffled. "I mean, it's ridiculous! I loved my wife. I loved Mandy. Am I _effeminate_? Is that it? People think I'm girly?"

"You think you've got problems?" Young challenged. "I'm the epitome of masculinity over here. And I was _married_. And I knocked up T.J.! I mean, come on!"

They subsided into a miserable, introspective silence.

"You know what we should do?" said Young. Rush shook his head. There was a long pause until Rush finally looked up and caught the Colonel's eye.

"Give 'em hell," Young said.

* * *

It was at breakfast the next day that Young stood up and clacked against his gruel bowl with his spoon.

"Everyone," he called, "I'd like to make an announcement. Dr. Rush, if you could join me."

Completely blank-faced, Rush abandoned his breakfast and stood next to the Colonel.

"It's come to my attention," said Colonel Young, "that many people on this ship are having unprotected sex. And while I agree that what you do is your business, if anyone on Destiny should acquire an STD, it quickly becomes mine."

He nudged Rush, who raised his chin defiantly.

"That's why Everett and I have decided to donate some of our own stash of condoms to those men aboard the ship who are sexually active," he said.

The mess hall went quiet.

"We don't really need 'em," Young admitted. "Nick and I only have sex every few weeks, so we've got more than enough supplies."

He handed Rush a bucket and Rush weaved between the tables, handing out leather condoms to every male, with the notable exception of Volker, who went beet red and started mumbling curses.

"OK, Nick," said Young when all the condoms were distributed, not quite lowering his voice as much as a normal person would. "It's my day off. Your quarters or mine?"

Rush pretended to consider it.

"Mine," he said eventually. "More room, less company."

They left the mess hall.

* * *

"Who had 'this week' in the pot?' asked Telford after his next trip to Destiny. Jackson gaped at him.

"You're kidding me."

"Nope!"

"_No one_ had this week! Everyone here was guessing in _years_!"

"Well, it's this week," said Telford with a shrug. Jackson shook his head in disbelief.

"That's not fair. That's not fair at all."

"Well, who had the closest bet?"

Scowling, Jackson checked the spread sheets.

"It's Jack O'Neill," he said, lip curling. "Damn it. This is why I should've guessed October. _Nooo_, my instinct said. _It's too soon_, my instinct said. Fucking instinct."

"Just give the guy his damn money and stop whining."

"All right, all right."

Jackson grabbed the key and went over to the locker he and all the other gamblers had taken out.

"First public kiss?" he asked as he removed the money.

"My money's on Thursday," Telford said.

"_I _was gonna pick Thursday!"

Telford shrugged. Huffing, Jackson shoved the money in a bag and threw Telford a blank piece of paper.

"Start another registry," he ordered.

"Yes, sir."


	2. Chapter 2

"What's it like?" asked Eli, staring at Dr. Rush. Rush was engrossed in his console and barely looked up, still looking over the readings.

"What?" he said.

The sex," said Eli. "With Colonel Young."

Rush gaped at him.

Eli smiled.

"_What_?"

* * *

"We need to talk."

"Rush, how nice to see you. After two weeks. Where the hell have you been?"

"Irrelevant. Do you know what Eli just asked me, Colonel?"

"How would I know what Eli asked you?"

"…"

"Don't you glare at me, that was a reasonable question!"

"He _asked _me …"

"Yes …?"

Deep breaths, Rush. Deep breaths.

"He asked me what the sex was like."

"…"

"With you."

"…"

"And me."

"…"

"…"

"Aw hell."

* * *

They didn't discuss it again 'till they were safely secluded in the hideout, which was a nest of sorts that Rush had got together in the vents. Colonel Young turned the flashlight on and tilted it at an angle that gave Rush an eerie glow and kind of made him look like a frog.

An angry frog.

It seemed inappropriate to giggle.

"I thought that whole romance thing died down," Young said plaintively, shoving all thoughts of frogs out of his head. "We haven't heard a single peep about it since we started wearing matching fatigues."

"Yes," said Rush tersely, "and when was the last time we wore matching fatigues?"

Young did some calculations in his head.

"Crap," he said. "So, what? They're no longer convinced?"

"It would seem so."

The colonel huffed. "Well, I guess it explains that conversation I overheard from Chloe and Lieutenant Scott."

That got Rush's eyebrows raised.

"What conversation?"

"The one about how you and I never have sex. They said they figured you'd get hurt or something, being so delicate and all –"

It might have been the eerie lighting, but Young was pretty sure he saw steam come out of Rush's ears.

"OK," he said calmly, trying to distract the other man. "So people think we're no longer an item. Which isn't a _bad_ thing –"

"Except both of us are accepting money from General O'Neill should we break up next year," Rush pointed out. "Personally, I'm still a bit affronted there's a betting pool, but –"

"Yeah."

They dissolved into thoughtful silence.

"Well," said Young in resignation, "guess we've got to amp it up again."

"It appears so."

They started to plan.

* * *

"Hey, Eli, have you seen Colonel Young?"

"No, sorry. I was looking for Rush, actually. Seen him?"

"Nope."

"Huh. Weird."

"…"

"Maybe they're doing the nasty."

"Eli!"

"What? _I _still think they're together. It's just … cute."

"You are so wrong."

"Well, ask around, I guess. See if anyone else has seen him."

"Got it. See ya Mathboy."

"See ya."

* * *

There was a flock of eavesdroppers out in the hall and a pair of very awkward-feeling gentlemen inside.

"Well," Rush whispered from his spot six feet away. "Start."

"Me?" Young hissed from the other side of the room. "I'm not starting!"

"Well, _I_ can't moan! It's undignified."

"Oh, like you _really_ have any dignity."

"Of course I do! I'm a scientist, not a military man, remember?"

"What the _hell _is that supposed to mean?"

"_Start moaning_!"

Irritably, Young began pacing the room, cheeks red. He bounced up and down a little, trying to work up his nerve. He took a breath.

"Oh," he said.

Silence.

"_Oh_?" Rush repeated. "You sound like you found a piece of old dried banana gruel you didn't know was still here."

"Huh?"

"Disgusted and mildly disappointed."

Young looked Rush up and down.

"Seems about right," he said. Rush snarled.

"Colonel," he growled, "I am giving you five seconds to start moaning or _I will do it for you_."

"I thought you said it was undignified."

"One."

"I'm not gonna do it."

"Two."

"Look, you're not threatening."

"Three."

"You sound like my mom."

"Four."

"And my mother isn't threatening."

Rush's eyes became miniature daggers. With his gaze fixed on Young and his features set in a wildly determined, brutal expression, he padded over to the bed.

"What are you doing?" Young asked, turning slightly to watch the other man's little walk. Rush only looked at him and raised his right foot, climbing on top of the mattress.

"Rush," Young said a little more urgently. "I'm serious. What are you doing?"

Still holding eye contact, Rush jumped.

* * *

_Thud, thud, thud_.

"Oh, Colonel! _Oh_, Colonel, there – right there!"

From his vantage point just outside the door, Eli blanched.

"Do you hear that?" he squeaked, turning to the others.

"Oh, Colonel, there – so _good_!"

"He even sounds sarcastic when he's getting laid," said Chloe, looking sick.

"Oh, Colonel Young – you _beast_! You marvelous _beast_!"

"I'm out," said Eli, moving quickly down the corridor.

Power-walking – but quietly, so the couple wouldn't know they were there – everyone else followed.

* * *

"Right there!" Rush shouted, jumping up and down. "Right there, Colonel! _Yes_!"

"Stop it!" Young hissed, waving his hands back and forth. "You maniac –"

"Oh, stick your fingers in me –"

"HELL!" Young cried.

"Good," Rush whispered in surprise, ceasing his thumping for a moment. "Do that again, that was very realistic – _Oh, Colonel_!"

"I said _stop it_!"

"Oh, so sexy!" Rush yelled, rolling his eyes even as he jumped up and down on the bed. Young moaned and covered his face. "Yes, you _like_ it when I dominate you, don't you?"

"Bastard." Young raised his head to look at the door. He seemed miserable. "How long do you think they'll listen?"

"As long as we keep going," Rush replied. "I suggest you join in – it'll go faster."

Young stared at him in horror. The scientist kept jumping on the bed and the colonel swallowed, his mouth dry.

"Oh, Rush," he deadpanned, then cleared his throat and tried again, going for a tone more husky and low. "Oh, Nick – _yes_ –!"

Outside in the corridor, a tumbleweed blew by.


	3. Chapter 3

It became a regular occurrence from then on for Colonel Young and Dr. Rush to … "hang out." For the sake of appearances (and their deal with Jack O'Neill), the two now seemed to be having sex on a regular basis, when really, they were just playing tag.

"Tag," Dr. Rush reasoned, "has all the right sounds for coitus."

"Yes," said Young, "because when shtupping my wife, I always make sure to tell her she's it."

It was after one such rollicking game that the two found themselves on the colonel's bed, taking a breather.

"Hell," said Colonel Young. "I hope nobody tells my dad."

Rush took a long drag on a bit of rolled-up lint he pretended was a cigarette.

"I hope somebody _does_ tell my old in-laws," he remarked. "I'd love to see the look on Gloria's dad's face."

"Um, OK?"

Rush took another drag, and he was just about to stand and leave when a knock came at the door.

"Oh, bollocks," Rush whispered, turning to face Young. "Quick. Punch me in the face – I need a post-coital glow."

Young punched him.

"Thanks."

"Enter," Young called.

The door slid open and revealed a nervous-looking Dr. Volker, who was holding an itty-bitty paper bag in front of him.

"Er, hi," said Volker uncertainly, trying not to look at Rush's pecs or Young's belly button, which was neither an outtie nor an innie, but rather twisty and brown. "Um, I come bearing gifts."

"Cool," said Young. He held out his hand.

"It's for Dr. Rush," Volker told him apologetically. Young's hand fell to his side and Rush stepped forward with a smug little smirk, taking the bag from his least-favorite less-than-human Mongoloid.

"Thank you, Mr. Volker," he said politely. "You may go."

Volker scuttled away. When the door was closed, Young and Rush both flocked around the bag.

"What is it?" Young asked. Slowly, Rush opened up the bag and peered inside. His face went blank.

"Um …?"

"Well?"

"It's tampons," Rush said, baffled. He held up a handful of the little cotton things. "It's a bunch of home-made _tampons_. Like for women."

Silence.

"Why do we need _tampons_?" Rush cried. Young shook his head instantly, waving his hands back and forth in the air.

"Oh, no," he said. "Not 'we'. This present is for _you_. Why do _you _need tampons?"

"_I_ don't know!"

"Maybe it's a gay thing," the colonel mused. Eyebrows tilted up, Rush gazed down at the paper bag.

"What the hell would gay men need tampons for?" he asked. "Do they like to pretend they're PMSing? I don't get it!"

Young just shrugged.

"Whatever it's for," he said, "you better figure it out, and soon. Or they'll get suspicious."

Rush shook his head.

"Tampons," he whispered. "Tampons! What the hell?"

* * *

It had started just two days before, when Rush was in the Apple Core. He and Young had a specific system, a signal for when one was needed and no one else could know. It was how they orchestrated all their best deceptions on the crew: Using a stolen Kino remote, the colonel sent a blinking light to Rush's console. Or, if Rush was the one signaling, he sent the blinking light to Young's Kino remote.

It was foolproof. No one ever noticed – all they ever saw was Rush subtly finding an excuse to leaving and going.

Only Rush's idea of subtle was "don't say anything at all, just run out."

"This is suspicious," Park announced.

"I'll say," Brody muttered. "That's the third time this week he's just run out without an explanation. What's his problem?"

"Maybe he's the bottom," Park said thoughtfully, rubbing her chin. The men of the room turned to stare at her. With the voice of an indulging school teacher, Park explained.

Volker turned red, Brody gaped, and Eli burst into giggles.

"Oh, that's awesome," he wheezed, clutching his stomach. "Where's a Kino when you need one?"

"Well, that's all kind of problematic, isn't it?" Brody pointed out. "What if that happens during an emergency? You know we're toast without Rush."

Park thought about it.

"I had some gay friends back home," she said with a significant look at Volker and Greer, mouthing the words '_your secret's safe with me and let's do a threesome tonight, OK? My room. Or maybe Chloe's room to freak her out – bitch called me Pocahontas yesterday_'. "They all used tampons. Maybe we could give them a basket?"

A slow grin slid over Eli's face.

"Perfect," he said. "Perfect."

* * *

"Maybe it's not because they think I'm gay," said Rush desperately, turning over one of the little cotton things in his hand. "Remember when I went into the neural interface chair, and I got a nosebleed? Maybe they think that's a regular thing. Maybe these are for my nose."

"Rush," said Young from his desk, not looking up, "I encourage you with all my heart to walk around with one of those things in your nose."

Rush scowled.

"OK," he said, "so maybe they're not for nosebleeds. Maybe they're because I'm always getting injured. They're to – to plug up holes."

This time, Young did look up. He raised his eyebrows and stared.

"OK," said Rush again. "Maybe not that."

Young turned back to his paperwork. "Let me know if you figure it out," he said, amused. "I'll be waiting."

Swearing under his breath, Rush renewed his tampon-studies with vigor.

* * *

"Hey, Volker," Young said, catching the more pudgy man as he was leaving. Volker jumped and went still, eyes wide.

"Colonel?"

"I just wanted to say thanks," said Young sincerely, biting back a smile. "Nick really appreciates it. I figured he wouldn't say anything to you –"

Volker shook his head.

"But he's thankful, too," Young reassured. "You should tell him how to make them, he'd be really pleased."

Volker nodded. The colonel grinned.

"Good man," he said, and left.

* * *

"Hey – Dr. Rush!"

"Volker."

"Hey, I was talking to Colonel Young –"

"That's interesting."

"—and he said you, uh, you wanted to know …"

"…"

"…"

"_Yes_?"

"Um, how to make the tampons."

"…"

"…"

"…"

"Why are you baring your teeth at me?"

"Ohhh …. I'm not … _baring_ my _teeth_, _Volker_. I am … _smiling_."

"It looks painful."

"I would … _love_ … to _learn_ … how."

"Um, are you sure?"

"…"

"…"

"… _Yeah_."

"Oh, well, great. I'll show you to the workshop."

_Fucking Young_.

* * *

"Maybe it's a sex toy," Rush suggested, looking at the various new tampons in his hand. Young considered the idea.

"Could be. Don't know what for."

"Oh, that's because you have no imagination." Rush narrowed his eyes and turned the tampon over, trying to envision any sort of recreational use.

A long, silent moment passed.

"Anything?" asked Colonel Young. Rush glared at him. "Didn't think so."

…

"Maybe it's a … doll?"

"Oh, yeah – now I think about it, I'm sure I saw some Christmas-edition Tammy Tampon dolls at Wal-Mart last year. Right next to the Eddie Enemas and Freddy Fucking _Shampoo-Bottle-Up-the-Ass_."

"Shut up."

* * *

TJ was in the infirmary, just taking inventory, when Young and Rush showed up. Both were red-faced, and the latter was holding a small paper bag. Both were staring at the floor.

"TJ," Young said softly, "we need to come clean."

She stared at them.

"We're not gay," Rush confessed. Young nodded.

"Never were."

"Not even bi."

"Heck, I've never even _kissed _a man."

"And I may have kissed a man, but I've never touched his _cock_. Not with my fingers."

Silence.

"The _point_," said Young with a somewhat freaked-out sidelong glance at Rush, "is that we need your help."

TJ nodded.

"We're pretending to be gay," Young explained, "because we have this deal with Jack O'Neill for money, and it was going well until …"

Rush shoved the bag forward.

"Volker gave it to me," he said roughly while TJ looked inside. "I don't know what it's for."

There was a long pause. TJ giggled, snorted, and covered her mouth.

"What?" the two men chorused.

"Oh, boys," TJ laughed. "Oh, you're just precious. They gave this to _you_, Dr. Rush?"

He nodded, eyebrows furrowed. TJ looked him up and down.

"I can see it," she nodded. Ignoring the confused looks of the men, she turned and put the home-made tampons in her supply box – after all, they wouldn't be needing it.

"OK, guys," she said, waving them closer. "We're gonna have the Talk. Do you know what happens to men after multiple instances of, um, buttsex?"

"AIDS?" Rush guessed.

"No." TJ leaned forward and lowered her voice. "It only happens to the bottom," she hinted.

They only looked more befuddled. TJ sighed.

"OK," she said, "I'll show you in hand-puppetry. OK?"

They nodded. Carefully, TJ made an 'o' with one hand and put her index finger through it.

"Sex between a man and a woman," she explained. Then she made a fist with one hand and stabbed at it with her pointer finger until pantomiming what appeared to be an explosion of bodily fluids from the fist.

Rush and Young carefully looked away.

"But after a while," TJ said, relaxing her fist so it was looser, "it gets easier."

She pantomimed the violent poking again. Young looked sick.

"And eventually …" She showed the loose fist on its own, without the pointer finger, and mimicked more bodily fluids.

"Och, _nae_!" Rush said shrilly, looking horrified and backing up. "Ye sayin' _tha's_ wha' thair aboot? Th' think Ah –"

Young burst into very unattractive chortles.

"So they put the tampons in," said TJ brightly, folding her hands behind her back. "You understand?"

Rush looked green. Colonel Young kept laughing.

* * *

The next day found Dr. Rush back in the Apple Core, looking over his console. All was quiet.

"I buggered the shit out of Colonel Young last night," he said casually. "Buggered. The. _Shit_."

Eli stared at him.

Brody's mouth fell open.

Volker covered his face.

"Oh," said Park with a smile. "Good for you."

Rush nodded. "Thank you, Lisa. It certainly was."

And he turned back to his work.

* * *

A/N: The fist-with-violent-poking-then-explosion pantomime is how Cu Chulainn explained gay sex to 1945 when she was twelve. They discussed it after school one day, while waiting for a ride.

The nuns weren't pleased, but the father seemed to find it funny. We hear he uses it now and then when preaching at gay bars.


End file.
